Parents' Behavior Can Curb Kids' Discipline Problems

      For someone whose chief claim to fame is being a discipline expert, Sal Severe, Ph.D., has a fairly radical philosophy.

      ``I like kids,'' says Severe. ``The thing that I learned by working with parents is that they don''t see things from a kid''s point of view.''

      This kids-just-wanna-be-good-and-understood concept is just half of the platform on which Severe builds his discipline program. The other half focuses on parents and their behavior. It''s not about what your kids are doing wrong, he says, but about what parents should be doing right.

      Severe developed his theories working with kids for 25 years as a school psychologist, most recently as clinical director at an alternative school (read: major behavior problems) in Phoenix, Ariz.

      ``It''s all about relationships,'' says Severe. ``Having good relationships is the most important thing in life. It''s about enjoying your kids - how to enjoy being a parent. Love is not enough. Common sense is not enough. It''s a different world today, and parents need techniques to manage their children.''

      Severe - a parent himself - has assembled these techniques into a book. ``How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too'' was originally self-published, then picked up by Viking editors in 1997, who asked him to add chapters on violence and children. The book has been re-released this year, and Severe is on a nationwide tour promoting it.

      The ideas in the book are certainly compelling. Among them:

      - Establish a pleasant family climate where children learn your values and goals, and children are motivated.

      - Humor can redirect the family climate.

      - If you want self-disciplined children, you need to be consistent.

      - Guilt, anger, stress, fear and anxiety are self-defeating and interfere with successful parenting; you can control these emotions and how you feel.

      - Anger and punishment do not mix.

      Specific topics include everything from spanking (he argues that it does more harm than good) and timeout (OK, he says, if only a small part of a total plan to improve your child''s behavior) to sibling squabbling (above all, stay calm and do not make threats), homework hassles (he offers an incentive system for motivation) and the distress of divorce (the greater the harmony between parents, the better the adjustment for the child). This is just the beginning. The book offers in-depth parenting strategies, including charts, checklists and sample dialogues.

      Theoretically, on paper - and in the audiotapes and videotapes that form a part of Severe''s multimedia offerings - it all sounds good.

      But can parenting be so darn refreshingly enjoyable in the real world? I, a parent, had an hour with the good doctor while he was in Fort Worth - and I, not surprisingly, had some questions.

      Like this one: Let''s say you have a son. He''s almost 6. He''s an only child and lately he''s been saying he''s bored. And he''s whiny. Very whiny. Do you feel guilty and find something for him to do?

      ``Absolutely not,'' says Severe. ``You don''t want to bend over backward too far for your child. And you shouldn''t feel guilty. Don''t think, ''I have to be the one to make him happy.'' Instead, turn the situation around and tell your child, ''It''s up to you to pick an activity. If you are bored, it''s your problem, not mine.''''

      Whining, not surprisingly, is a continuing theme in Severe''s book. ``Ignore it,'' he writes. ``When you ignore consistently, you will teach your child that these misbehaviors are not paid off with attention. Do not forget to redirect. Teach children appropriate ways to get attention. Say ''My ears do not listen to whining. Please ask in a soft voice.''''

      But isn''t it unkind to ignore your child, I ask Severe, picturing this mother turning her back on the little boy.

      ``No. Not in this case,'' Severe says. ``You''ll teach him to have his own power to solve his problems.''

      Oh.

      Does this mean we shouldn''t drop what we''re doing to entertain our kids, I ask, glad to have the personal reprieve from the Mommy-come-play-with-me syndrome.

      But it''s not so easy.

      ``Putting your kids first means spending time with them,'' Severe says. ``You have to make that extra effort to sit down and play, to do something with your kids.''

      What about all the time we spend shuttling them back and forth between their soccer and baseball games and afterschool activities? Doesn''t that show we''re making them a priority?

      ``That''s OK,'' says Severe. ``But playing catch with them is good, too. Better.''

      On to real-world dilemma No. 2: Kids who fight. An older boy who is constantly attacking his little sister, making her cry. This is making the mom crazy, and it''s worse because she knows it only happens when she''s around. Her friends tell her that her son is actually quite kind to his sister at school. They see him walking her to her class, carrying her backpack.

      What does she do?

      ``Talk to her son,'' says Severe. ``I''m a real believer in private meetings, one-on-one with your child. Tell him, ''You don''t do this when I''m not around. You''re older. I expect more from you. You can do better than that. Then, any time he shows a smidgen of better behavior, praise him.''

      Again, he says, it''s about teaching your child about his own power. Power to make decisions, control his life, pick up his toys and put his laundry in the hamper.

      ``There''s a difference between compliance and cooperation,'' Severe says. ``Compliance means your children have to do what you say or you''re gonna punish them. Cooperation means they behave because it''s the right thing to do.''

c.2000 Fort Worth Star-Telegram