Bah Humbug: The psychology of holiday stress

By Owen C. Franklin

During the holidays, we tend to remember the good old times. Then we look at the present through the holiday-colored glasses of the past.

For some people, the first garland sighting of the year doesn't christen a season of joy. Instead, each string of lights, each decked storefront and each seasonal tune triggers a painful reminder: "The season I should be jolly, but I'm not."

During the holidays, new icons of happiness emerge in countless forms. Everything from sitcom specials to school plays praise community, kindness and the general notion that everything and everyone is decent.

But the truth is, these ideals rarely match human experience. They can lead some people to feel, in short, inadequate.

"When people feel inadequate, they think of the word enough," said Robert Butterworth, Ph.D., a psychologist from the Metropolitan State Hospital in Norwalk, California. "Around Christmas, people keep thinking 'I'm not rich enough, good enough or happy enough.'

Criticizing your life is hard enough, but people can delve further and compare the present with memories of the past. This becomes a problem when people romanticize their history. One might recall a wholesome family gathering, but "forget" the arguments and tension that the meeting involved.

"During the holidays, we tend to remember the good old times," said Dr. Butterworth. "Then we look at the present through the holiday-colored glasses of the past."

Unfortunately, these holiday-colored glasses aren't the only tools which taint our holiday ideals. We are also supplied with a pre-packaged holiday stereotype through advertisements.

The holiday season spawns a flood of targeted advertisements. New campaigns promote products with images of friendship and happiness. From the living room to the bus stop, we are surrounded by the message that we do not have or own it all.

"Turn on the television ?you don't see anyone bickering," said Dr. Butterworth. "Advertisements create this ideal that really doesn't exist."

This holiday ideal may be imaginary. The ways that people pursue the ideal, however, are all too real.

This pursuit of a perfect holiday requires time and money ?two commodities that most people can't afford to spare.

And so begins a season of temporary employment.

"The rush begins in early November," said Erika Thorson, a recruiter at Olsten Staffing Service in San Francisco. The temporary employment agency sees a 30-40 percent increase in applications during the holiday season.

"People are looking for part-time evening work to supplement their regular income," said Thorson. "We've had to turn some people away."

Even these second jobs can't keep many people out of the red.

"It can take up to six months to get out of (Christmas) debt," said Jeannine Daly, director of marketing and communications at Consumer Credit Counseling Service in San Francisco. "There are a lot of emotional and power issues involved in spending money, and people get caught up in the frenzy."

This frenzy can be tough, but it's only the beginning. The hallmark of the holiday season, the family gathering, can be a challenging climax.

These get-togethers can test nostalgia. Family members may not see each other for the entire year. As the holidays approach, people may reminisce about those "good old times" and look forward to a picture-perfect reunion.

However, when the day arrives, this daydream of familial bliss can turn into a nightmare as personalities clash and old tensions arise.

"So many things come around at these gatherings," said Mark Gorkin, a social worker who specializes in stress therapy. "People who daydream about how supportive their parents are may realize they aren't getting the love they feel they deserve."

Our relatives aren't the only people we judge. The holiday party can be the perfect place to gauge your successes and failures against your family's.

"That sense of competition comes up again between siblings," said Gorkin. "People ask, 'How am I doing compared to them' or 'How are my kids doing compared to their kids.'"

While the holiday season can be trying, there are things you can do to make it easier for you and yours.

If you're pining for the good old times, try making new holiday tradition. Say, for example, that you used to enjoy holiday meals with your spouse but you have recently divorced. Instead of cooking the same holiday meal in the same house, try going to a relative's house. If you used to enjoy a sledding party with family, but you've moved to another state, get some friends together and do some volunteer work.

"Make new rituals that are not burdened with the memories of the past," said Dr. Butterworth. "These new rituals will make new memories to replace the old ones."

If a family get-together becomes difficult, try some structured conversational games. These tools can revitalize conversation and bring a group together.

"Have everyone come up with one serious and one outrageous New Years resolution," said Gorkin. "This can really create a feeling of connection, and the whole can really be more than the sum of its parts. I think that's what people are looking for this time of year."

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